The Unexpected Emotional Side of Downsizing
Before they make The Forest at Duke their new home, many of our residents go through the process of downsizing. While it is often thought of as a practical task, it can also be an emotional one. Sorting through decades of belongings means revisiting memories and letting go of more than just “stuff.” But with the right mindset and support, downsizing can also create space for new experiences, greater freedom, and a fresh start.
For advice and insight on this topic, we reached out to Sean Planchard, CEO of The Downsizers, a Triangle-based downsizing company specializing in moves for older adults, managing and liquidating estates, aging in place, decluttering, and staging homes. Sean offered helpful advice on the downsizing process, as well as some surprising insights on the emotional side of downsizing.
The Biggest Downsizing Surprises
The most common surprises for Planchard’s downsizing clients are how long the process actually takes and which items are most difficult to part with.
In most cases, downsizing takes longer than people expect. It’s easy to underestimate the amount of time it will take to sort through closets, attics, and drawers no one has opened in years. Enlisting the help of family members and professionals may help shorten the overall time, or just make the process feel less overwhelming.
Families also often find it’s not the most valuable items that are hardest to part with, but rather the ones that hold the most memories. “We once spent more time negotiating who got a bedroom door with 40 years of height marks scratched into it than we did dividing museum-quality art,” Planchard shared. In general, sentimental value often trumps monetary value once you’re standing in the room with the actual objects and deciding what to let go of.
The Emotional Side of Downsizing
It’s hard to predict what emotions will come up during the downsizing process. Certainly, people should expect uncomfortable feelings to arise, like fear, grief, or even resentment. But in their downsizing work, Planchard’s team also sees joy, laughter, and levity. “What helps is giving people the room to feel all of it without rushing them,” he said. “We’re there to guide, not to make decisions for them.”
Whether you’re downsizing your own home or helping family members go through their belongings prior to a move, know that it’s completely normal for downsizers and their loved ones to feel a range of emotions. Looking through photographs and mementos from when their children were small, for example, can bring up a sense of loss right alongside feelings of gratitude and joy. Allow whatever feelings come up, and know that they are part of the process.
How to Make Downsizing a Little Easier
Even for people living in relatively small homes, packing up for a move can feel like an enormous undertaking. It’s helpful to remember that you don’t have to do it all at once, especially if you start early.
For people just beginning, Planchard offered three tips he finds to be consistently useful for clients:
- Start earlier than you think you need to. Whether it’s friends, family, or professional movers and organizers, get helpers on board early in the process. “Too often,” Planchard said, “we see people wait until there’s a looming deadline or even a crisis, and it is always harder that way.” He added that he’s never met a client who regretted starting earlier.
- Trust the process. Know that your downsizing experience won’t look the same as your neighbor’s, but that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. While the motto of The Downsizers is “Plan. Sort. Pack. Settle,” Planchard acknowledges that this work doesn’t always happen in a straight line. “Real projects loop back on themselves constantly and that’s normal, not a sign that something has gone wrong.”
- Decide ahead of time who will receive meaningful family heirlooms. This single step can prevent a lot of family conflict. “We’ve watched families spend hours negotiating a sentimental item that was never predetermined, while a genuinely valuable piece got resolved in minutes because everyone already knew where it was going,” Planchard said.
Offering Support to Someone Who’s Downsizing
If you’re helping a family member downsize their home, recognize that this can be an emotional process, and approach the project with compassion and patience. First and foremost, it’s important that the desire to downsize is coming from the homeowner, not from their family members or friends. “Downsizing can’t be forced on someone,” Planchard said.
Once an individual or a couple is ready to downsize and has come to this decision on their own, don’t underestimate the importance of communication. As you pare down belongings, pack, and help them resettle in a new location, remember that it is always better to listen and ask questions than it is to make assumptions. “Many families come out of this work closer, not more strained, and those are the ones that communicate on purpose,” Planchard said.
Finally, consider offering support in your areas of strength. If you’re not naturally organized, for example, volunteering to sort and pack your mother’s kitchen may only add to everyone’s stress. Instead, consider taking on tasks that better match your skills, whether that’s coordinating with professional move managers, handling legal or financial paperwork, or providing hands-on caregiving or emotional support. Think of downsizing as a team effort and focus on ways each person can contribute most effectively.
What People Gain After the Move
For many people, downsizing can feel like coming face-to-face with everything they are losing. “What they do not expect,” Planchard said, “is how much they gain.” As the literal weight of a person’s belongings grows lighter, they often feel a sense of levity and even joy. Through this work, Planchard has seen real transformation, not just in homes, but in people themselves.
“We’ve watched estranged parents start speaking again with their children for the first time in a decade because the process forced honest conversation. We’ve had clients throw parties just a week after moving in because their new place already felt like home. And plenty of families discover that going through belongings together, really looking at them, becomes one of the most connecting things they’ve done in years.”
Though it can be hard work, many people are pleasantly surprised by the sense of freedom that comes with downsizing. Relationships deepen, experiences take on more meaning, and a new, exciting chapter begins.